Welcome to ATS' own wiki.
Read and remember the rules and conventions, they can be found at Help
Category:Chris's Test Page
From ATS Wiki
I know what my heart wants to do and where it wants to be. I know what God tells me to be true and he agrees with my heart. I am in conflict after reading that book's first chapter. I really do want to try and make our marriage work cause I do not think that its not worth saving. I know your having a hard time trying to figure it out and for that I am sorry and I do forgive you for it. I get mixed signals from you and in turn it propels my own questions and internal conflict.
After much thought and reflection tonight, I know what I want to do, but yet again, because of your mixed signals I am torn in two places. Do I go with my heart or do I go with what you want? As you have seen, and can see, I have been stuck in a never ending spiral of reflection and reaction. What I see is that you want me to be happy while you find yourself, you have told me this as well. However, my heart is with you even when I try and move on. I know it will be for as long as I can picture in my head, and that is several years down the road at this point.
I do want you to be happy and I know you can be happy with me when your ready but in some way I need to hear it as well. I need to know that you want us to work as much as I do or not at all. Not asking for an answer right away because I know you can not do that. But as you have figured out, I can not really go on until that day. I will still find conflict within myself on if I should try and keep working on us or to move on. To tell you the truth, I really would love to focus on just us and forget everyone else aside from just pure friendships.
So the feelings that I get from you are so mixed that even when I find the answers, I am still in the dark. Things are the same as they were earlier today but I am trying to process things, so no worries if I am going to act weird. I am just putting down some thoughts on paper for reflection and to inform. I am torn mostly because even when I am not going after anyone or talking to anyone at all, just sitting here, I feel like I am cheating on you. Its a heart aching feeling that consumes me.
In everything that has happened, I think I am stronger now then I was before because now the rolls are reversed and I see what you went through almost a year or more. Only you have the strength to take time away from me. To get away so that I do not see you hurt or cut or see those masks. I have been asked how I know or how I am so sure that when you want me back that I will come right back to you in half a heart beat.
The answer is that I know your the one I want to be with, no one else. I want to be the one that your going to wake up to each and every day. The one that I will share so many different experiences with. You have helped me do so many things that I never thought I would do on my own. And I know that you see me in that light as well.
I know that no one will fill that void in my heart but you. I am trying to find a patch for it but so far I have found nothing. Yes it sounds sappy and over said but its me and its the truth. So here I sit, little sleep, work in a few hours, half crying while writing this, and pouring out my heart and mind to you. You have a right to know and you deserve the truth because that is all you ever gave me.
I will keep trying to patch my heart and find meaning in all this but I know it will not work. At the same time I know I can not sit here and focus 100% on you because then it will drive you away. I need distractions to keep me going so as not to smother you all the time. Will I regret everything in a few years? Probably but then more then likely not. I will learn from it all.
So in closing, I hope that you went into this with an open mind and heart. Probably did not answer anything for you but I hope it does. I do not know what questions you have for me ever so I answer the ones that I had with you. My life outside of you is not fully on hold, so rest assured that I do go to work and pay bills and take care of me. You know that I will.
When you need me, I am here. Though you do seem to be doing well with out me but not sure if that's a mask. (I personally can not tell for fact but get feelings that it is a mask.) Your the part of me that I miss deeply. If hours pick up, I am considering moving out into a regular place or at least a new apartment complex. But that depends on other factors as well.
Also was wondering what you had planed for the 24th of this month sometime around noon. Its next Friday and I wanted to take you to lunch to celebrate our one year of being married. I know I said that it was a 'fucking joke' but I do not honestly believe that. I have enjoyed being married to you for as long as we have and would like to take you to lunch. So I say we go to Village Idiot and enjoy some good food. Hehe if I have to kidnap you for this I just might.
But just want you to know that I am fine and typing this is helping me think things out more. It helps to see what I am thinking and to get it out. Hopeful that this will help you better understand me and where I am at. I can type things better then I can say things, as you well know. So let me know what you think if anything, I will try and not to pry you for answers just want to make sure that if you have any questions, that you give me a chance to answer them. Some I might have to type out but others I can probably talk about.
Love you, Your Nunnybutt
Pages in category "Chris's Test Page"
The following 2 pages are in this category, out of 2 total.
C
|  |