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Aidoann t'Lheollah/Personal Logs/2009
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Personal logs written by Aidoann t'Lheollah in 2009.
Doomed to Repetition
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82446.633683 <Fri Jan 2 09:51:24 2009>
Subject: Doomed to Repetition
It has been days since I have actually seen anyone I know. The last person I talked to that I know is Harrington, and that was only via official communication. It seems everyone is getting called in to Gamora. I miss the Valley Forge.
Sitting here like this does give me a chance to think. To ponder. And to wonder how I got into this situation; again.
A corrupt government. A missing husband. Return. Anger. Charges of insanity. The more I think, the more I realize that this has already happened to me before.
Right down to those I know pleading for me to return for one reason or another. I know how that goes and I will not fall for it. This letter from Ro is a clever ruse, except for one thing... does he really think I will forget the way he treated me when I /was/ in that cell? The way they all treated me? I return and... they will lock me up again, or worse.
I am not insane. Though, that is what crazy people say. But if I do say I am crazy, then I am. No matter which I profess, I cannot win. Still, even if I /am/ crazy, which I do not think I am, I am not crazy enough to simply walk back onto the station like that.
I have pledged to recover the Eternity Prism, to keep it safe and out of the wrong hands. But it will be on my terms and when they do not expect me.
Experimentation
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82451.884906 <Sun Jan 4 07:53:20 2009>
Subject: Experimentation
This place smells so very... Terran. Sweet, spicy, musky, musty, metallic, the faint hint of stale cigarette smoke and, now, slightly... burnt. The latter came later, but I shall save that for now. How long have I been here? Two, three... four days? Things would undoubtedly be less fuzzy had I not locked myself away in the room I was given and drank. With nobody around but the... servant? Is that what they call them here? Anyway, with none around but him to give disapproval, why not? I cannot recall the last time I drank so much. Elements, how I needed that.
For a time, nothing mattered. How wonderful that was! No Bajorans, no Shiar, no Federation, no Cardassians, no Ian... Nothing but myself and the pleasantly warm haze from the drink. Unfortunately, with morning, cold reality came rushing back, bringing with it a splitting headache. Here I was, trapped. Ah, true, I could leave any time I wished, but where would I go? So, here I stay.
Having nothing else to do now, I drank just enough to get rid of the headache and started to read. Terran literature is strange enough when completely sober. When half-drunk it is quite amusing indeed. Down the rabbit hole, through the looking glass, I flitted from book to book, author to author, until I found... it. True, I am no cook and this was not a recipe book... but I still had to try it. That this place has an actual kitchen, not just a replicator, no doubt helped influence things. Perhaps I had, indeed, had too much to drink again to make this sound like a good idea.
So into the kitchen I crept, unseen, using the replicator to get the basic ingredients. Lamb, garlic, vegetables, spices, olive oil... It seemed easy enough, even if it ended up smelling a bit odd to me. The stove, I had problems with. It was unfamiliar and, perhaps, I did not set it correctly. Into the oven went the lamb and onto the stove went the vegetables. I set a timer and wandered off to wait.
I read some more and ended up dozing off. How long, I am not completely sure. But when I awoke, it was to the smell of something burning. Groggily, I got up to investigate and I am not sure which smelled worse: vegetables or meat. The timer had already sounded and I had not heard it. I opened the lid to the vegetables and smoke filled the kitchen. Fortunately, there were no flames but they were obviously ruined. And the oven... the oven was even worse. I do not think the meat could have been any blacker had I set it directly in a raging fire.
Of course, all this smoke set off alarms and brought the servant man to investigate. He did not really say much to me as I apologized profusely and tried to help set things straight. I finally promised to pay for the damaged cooking instruments and fled back to my room.
I think I will stick to just reading and eating replicated food from now on. It is simply not polite to accidentally burn down the home you are staying in.
Another crossroads
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82465.31061 <Fri Jan 9 05:34:43 2009>
Subject: Another crossroads
Nothing. I hardly expected an encouraging response, but I thought I would get something. Even "do not do it". But, nothing at all.
Very well, then. Perhaps it is better this way, I will be less likely to be noticed. Just me... alone. But, if I am noticed...
Best not to think about that.
Elements... Prophets protect me, I am going to need it.
Finality
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82465.902861 <Fri Jan 9 10:46:13 2009>
Subject: Finality
It was both easier and more difficult than I expected...
I walked the corridors uncontested, only a few caring to look at the woman going past. I tried the quarters first. But my codes had been wiped clean. For the best, I suppose, since Ian may have been inside. Still, those quarters have been mine for... has it been two years? It was... hard not to be able to go home.
Fearing I would need more help, I still went to the upper deck. The lab... I could not enter my quarters but were the codes I used still good there? I tried a couple and the door finally opened. Ro was there; had he opened the door or had the last code worked?
For a moment, I thought he was going to shoot me. Or call security. Or do both. He did none. He told me to take it and go. Elements, he looked terrible. When did he last sleep? Or eat? I commented on his appearance, but he said nothing. So I took the Eternity Prism and left. Whether or not I will ever be able to see the station again, I do not know. But the Prism is safe and that is, for now, all that matters.
When I left, I think he did as well. I think I know where he went, perhaps. I would almost be tempted to follow, to see... But I have the Prism, so I will stay here. I swore to protect it, and I will.
Too many memories?
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82476.132409 <Tue Jan 13 04:26:33 2009>
Subject: Too many memories?
So. They are married now. When the Secretary spoke of marrying her, I did not think it would be so soon... so soon. I am glad I did not miss it, I would not have wanted to miss it. They had many friends there and the ceremony was beautiful, if hastily arranged. And it cut me like a knife.
Three times have I been married and each time... it never ended up being so large a gathering as they had. I cannot complain about that, however, since I never minded the small ceremonies. But the guests did remind me of this last time... the party on Jeraddo, Ian just... leaving. Bitter it was, bitter it still is.
And the vows... the vows exchanged by the Harringtons... I do not remember exactly what they said, except that it could have been Ian and I there. Saying those words. The whole ceremony reminded me of something Ian and I might do and that hurt to consider.
I wonder if anyone even noticed that I left right after they were pronounced wed? At least he knows I was there, and I did return some hours later with a few gifts to be given them. Gathered up a few of my things and left, for now. Although they would likely protest, I am sure that I am the last thing that a newly married couple would want to deal with. I know it is not what I would want, though I might be polite and say otherwise.
So I will not force them to choose. I will simply... wander for awhile, as I have done before. It will give them time to themselves and me time to... think.
Goodbye
Part 1
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82479.06454 <Wed Jan 14 06:08:44 2009>
Subject: Goodbye? - 1 of 2
Infuriating yikh. Sending me such a message. I do not know what to believe anymore and I do not like being manipulated. Yet... who am I to simply let the others get to Ro? To let him die? Is that why he sent the message to me?
But he did not respond to my reply. Did they get him already? Did he not receive it? Or is he just being difficult? I wish I could say for certainty which it is. So tired of trying to stay one step ahead of the universe... or at least not get dragged under by the wake.
Of course, first I had to get my weapons back before I could go looking. Lieutenant Al Din was nice enough to bring them to me where I was and not force me to figure out some way to get there without blowing myself up in the process. I still can hardly believe how generous Federation citizens have been to me lately.
After he left, it struck me that I did not know /exactly/ where Ro may have gone. A general idea... but it would take far, far too long to search randomly. I needed to know. So, I steeled myself for a trip back to Bajoran space.
The trip took longer than it should have - I had to stop and rest. So tired. Not that I got much rest. I finally landed at a time when I knew few people would be about. Hood pulled up over my face, I walked past several I recognized but they did not recognize me. I took the long way around the promenade, pretending to be wandering aimlessly. In reality, I was headed to the temple. I had to see it once more. The painting.
Part 2
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82479.064635 <Wed Jan 14 06:08:47 2009>
Subject: Goodbye? - 2 of 2
I intended for a quick look and then to go elsewhere. It is fortunate that the temple was deserted at this time of day, since instead I ended up kneeling down in front of the picture as I sobbed. This is where it all began, at least visibly. From the moment the now-ugly painting appeared, things started to go wrong. It was once a beautiful painting, now it is dark... stormy... malevolent. A clear, concentrated, mirror on galactic - universal - events. So I wept.
If I thought it would do any good to destroy the painting, I would have done it then. But such a thing would be futile. How long I sat there crying, I do not know. Fifteen minutes? An hour? Forever and the blink of an eye, it was both at once. Then I looked at the painting again and I knew... or think I do... where he went. Maybe. If I am wrong, I have no better leads right now.
But hopefully I will be right. And in time. But first I must trade this vessel for something faster. It is a long, long way to go in a simple freighter. So I will get another... and check it thoroughly. So tired. But I cannot afford to go searching in a vessel that has been bugged... or with a tracking device installed.
So tired. But I simply cannot let his goodbye be final.
Situations overwhelming
Part 1
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82482.827025 <Thu Jan 15 15:07:39 2009>
Subject: Situations overwhelming - Part 1 of 2
The doctor said the new skin should be fine in less than a week. I hate regenerated skin, it always tingles and usually itches. And then there were the parts that were not damaged enough to be worth regenerating, those still sting.
So how did this happen? I went to go find Ro Antos... and I did find him. And then the Hirogen found us. I got the Hirogen ship to chase me, in the BSV Matahourua and tried to buy time for the Kupe to get to Maust. Perhaps if I had taken a direct course, I might have made it. Or perhaps not. Ten minutes out at maximum warp, the Matahourua was finally disabled. I worked frantically to try to put the ship back into working order. Burnt and overheated circuitry filled the air.
Sparks flew as I made hasty repairs, landing on my face, my hands, my clothes. I ignored this. I had to get to Maust. I had the Prism. Why had I not found somewhere safe to keep it? Finally, the ship systems were in a condition to move again. I went.
How far did I go? I am not sure. I just barely managed to see another ship appear on sensors when I was struck again. No amount of repairs would fix the damage before the Hirogen finished off the vessel. The distress beacon was for Ro. I did not expect anyone to answer and it was the only way I could let him know I was not going to make it to Maust. I gathered up the Prism, wrapping it in a robe I was wearing, and hurried to eject from the ship.
Part 2
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82482.827278 <Thu Jan 15 15:07:47 2009>
Subject: Situations overwhelming - Part 2 of 2
I waited for some time, hoping the Hirogen would go away, before activating the beacon on the pod itself. I waited, half expecting to be picked up by the Hirogen. Fortunately, it was the interior of the Kupe that greeted me.
He seemed glad to see me, but I snapped at him. I cried and he ended up just sitting there. The burns finally started hurting terribly, or maybe I just noticed them, and he put a field dressing on them. Not as good as a sickbay, but it would have to do. Especially since I realized that they were coming... Bajoran ship, Klingon ship. We had to go, had to fly. We went.
I barely remember what happened then, I know I ended up flying. Dealing with things. When we finally put down, I know I ended up curling up on the floor of the Kupe and going to sleep.
Things were worse when I awoke. Something about a riot... dead, injured on Bajor. All too much for one day, and I ended up crying again. Overwhelming, confusing. Ashleigh Harrington went to Bajor to help. By the time she got back, I had finally stopped crying. She had my ring, the ring I had sent back to Ian. Gave it to me and I almost started to cry again. The ring? Why? So much to think about. I suppose now I have to talk to Ian. At least, I told her I would.
She and Secretary Harrington left after that... and I found somewhere alone to be... to cry some more before I went to get my burns treated.
Looking at the end
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82517.042206 <Wed Jan 28 03:03:28 2009>
Subject: Looking at the end
So. It is definitely ended. Over. I do not mean Gamora, but it is... somehow fitting that both have ended on the same day. I mean my marriage to Ian. We talked. For a long time.
I wish he could have loved me for who I am, not what. Maybe things would be better? Ashleigh told me when she gave me the ring back something about love not being easy and I should fight for it. Well. I did try. I do not know what else I could have said.
When it was over, he tried to tell me that I should not give up on Bajor as well. I tried, uselessly, to explain... And then there was a flash of light. A man? A Prophet? He said little, this man. And Ian got weird. Of course. There was an Orb. The... Bajoran opened it up and I saw it. And.... things. A vision. Then he was gone, leaving me and Ian alone. I, disoriented. Ian, jealous I think. Now he has gone off to "reflect". It is this sort of "reflection" that helped doom our marriage. Fine. He can "reflect" without me.
I know I should try not to care any longer what he does. But I find that... I do.
Distrust
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82525.86005 <Sat Jan 31 08:21:18 2009>
Subject: Distrust
Every time I try to write what I want to, I end up having to start over. None of it sounds right. Two... three... days I have been here and I still can get no further. Perhaps I should just give Secretary Harrington a plain list and be done with it.
Took a break yesterday and talked with... with Ashleigh and Mister Braxx. It was, in a twisted sort of way, a vaguely amusing discussion. Ones who do not have to live with prejudice are so naive. It was, in some ways, like talking with Ian all over again. They did not seem to understand at all, even though I tried to explain how things are. And I tried to change the subject, when her new uniforms came, to how I thought she would do fine with Command. Unfortunately, I did not manage the change of topics well and the conversation continued to revolve around me. My life, the past present and future.
At least, until Mr. Braxx came right out and said that I was not worth being protected. Not in those words, but that was the sentiment. All these years, I have worked, struggled to try to build an honorable reputation. A temper I have, I know... But I /have/ tried, even if it has been difficult. I thought I was finally making progress, until getting it so dirtied overnight by those I thought cared.
Granted, they did have a good deal to work with... With the destruction of the Eskar. Yet, if they had been less fanatic about it. If they really /had/ cared, had been trying to protect me as they said. Now I know that, for Ian at least, it was never because he cared about me.
I must finish this and then get away from here. Everyone I like ends up betraying me somehow. So I must finish this and then go away... to do whatever it is that the Prophets expect of me.
Morning after
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82528.36756 <Sun Feb 1 06:20:09 2009>
Subject: Morning after
My head hurts. Why did I have to go to the party last night? I should have known that Ian would be there. Nevermind that he did nothing, he loves parties. Calling my dress a handkerchief! He is just jealous. I was told to wear something... stunning, so I wore something stunning. Ian cannot tell me what to wear.
And then Itasha dared talk to me. After what he said about me over general subspace, I wish I could have punched him in the face. But, perhaps that is what he wanted, so that I would get locked up again. It is a good thing all I did was pour part of a drink on him.
At least I mostly behaved. But whatever possessed me to... go swimming? It has been a long time since I have been able to go swimming. So, of course, a lot of people ended up seeing me more or less naked. Especially after my clothes were stolen. I may have been drunk, but clothes do not just get up and walk away.
I do feel sorry for the woman that took my dress, however. She is obviously too poor to afford anything nice to wear. I would not have thought they would let a vagrant into the park, but I still do not understand Terrans. Considering how much I paid for the dress, I wonder if she was able to sell it to someone and get herself some decent things and a good meal or two. If I had known that there was someone so desperate that they would take someone else's clothes, I would have given her a few bars of latinum to eat with. Poor woman.
But, all in all, I really should not have gone. I shall have to ask Secretary Harrington if there is a charity for the homeless or something I can donate some latinum to, to atone for some of my behavior.
By any other name?
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82536.279632 <Wed Feb 4 03:41:35 2009>
Subject: By any other name?
I spent a long time trying to decide what to be called, as I could not simply go around by one name. It is indecent. Neither can I return to the Shiar right now, nor am I apt to remarry any time soon and obtain another name that way. So, I have chosen. And, in choosing, I wonder...
Was it ever /Ian Sturmvogel/ I loved, or was it a shadow of his other-self as that slipped away? Ian himself told me that the man I loved had left. But which? And who?
As I sit here, pouring over messages new and old again, I have decided one thing: If, indeed, it was Joshua that I have loved, then I hate Ian Sturmvogel.
Payment Collected
From: Aidoann Stardate: 82542.809311 <Fri Feb 6 12:55:56 2009> Subject: Payment Collected
Did I finally get through to him? After all the trouble, the pain... Is this what it finally took to get him to understand?
A part of me did want to kill him as I stood there. But I could not. I could not become what I despised so much. Yet, I could not pretend what had happened did not matter. How /could/ he? I knew nobody would believe me, that I had to do something, so I did.
I had told Secretary Harrington that things were over. But this was not personal this time. Yet, I couldn't help but feel some small measure of personal satisfaction as he finally admitted he was wrong; not about us, but at least he admitted wrong about something.
Of course, I could not simply rely on his word. I had to do something so he would not forget. Yet I am sure it was only a small fraction of the pain he has caused in his blind quest to 'make things right'. Make things right! With all the damage and destruction? He really does not understand the Universe.
I was ill for most of the flight back here, but I had to keep going and get these antiquities as far away from Bajor as possible for now. I wish I had not had to do to him what I did. But there was no excuse for what happened... and now /maybe/ he realizes that.
Blood for blood... I am certain that one day he will end up paying a higher price. I do not want to be the one to collect it then.
Reflections
From: Aidoann Stardate: 82562.40082 <Fri Feb 13 16:40:17 2009> Subject: Reflections
Has it been over a week already? It seems like just yesterday that I first saw the news report about Kendra Valley. And then when I heard... I knew I had to go back, to get the artifacts. Afterwards, I spent... Elements, how many days was it? Drinking. Minutes into hours, hours into days until I am no longer certain how long it was.
I vaguely remember getting more drinks from Secretary Harrington, but I do not remember exactly what we talked about. I do remember saying things about... the artifacts. How much did I say anyway?
The next morning, I awoke to a splitting headache and the realization that I should probably leave, for a little while at least. The Harringtons are generous, but it is still... awkward to stay, despite what they say. And episodes like the day before simply make it even more awkward. So I left.
So the past couple of days have been spent moving cargo from one planet to the next, accompanied only by this headache. The headache, I can deal with, for the most part. The lonliness is another matter. I have never liked being alone but I have few enough people left who will talk to me, who have time to talk with me. Most eveyone is busy now at Iure. From one bloody war, immediately to another. Will it ever end?
I suppose I should be sad that Set'shokut Penet is dead now. I am not pleased, but I am not sad either. And Sturmvogel's obituary for him was a joke. But I suppose one is supposed to say nice things about the dead.
If only I could get rid of this headache, I would go back to Bajor and do... whatever it is the Prophets want me to do. Perhaps I shall go anyway. The dreading is usually worse than the doing, usually, so I suppose I might as well.
Alone
From: Aidoann Stardate: 82580.204867 <Fri Feb 20 04:44:30 2009> Subject: Alone
Galadriel has better food than this. I looked down at my plate of chocolate chip cookies, the only thing in the bar I considered fit to eat. I would have thought that there would be more variety, even here on Earth, but the selection was poor. I suddenly remembered that it was Ian... or was it Joshua... who had made me try chocolate in the first place. I no longer wanted what was left of the cookies. Dusting my hands off, I stood and left. I would get something at the Blue Rastipod when I was in that area again.
It had been... I am not sure how long since I saw a friendly face. The last one to talk to me was Darvok Gilar on one of the Kildare planets. I pretended not to have noticed him. I wanted to yell at him, for he had just taken a load of cargo that I was hoping to get. But such would not have been prudent; he is one whom you hate to know, yet would hate /not/ to know. So I simply left. I returned to Paris and Secretary Harrington was still not at home. For the best, perhaps. But without anyone to talk to, I found myself leaving the house, after checking on my artifacts, and going to a bar I knew in San Francisco. Eating chocolate chip cookies.
I told Secretary Harrington I could not be a simple civilian, yet I seem to have become one now. Drifting between places, no true home to speak of. None to talk to. Alone. Is this how it is going to be until the end? Sometimes, even the universe itself does not seem worth this loneliness.
A fair trade?
From: Aidoann Stardate: 82589.973132 <Mon Feb 23 18:22:13 2009> Subject: A fair trade?
I guess it is all over. Maybe. And I am still alive? It seems I was wrong on that count. What I saw was not quite what happened, but it was close enough. And now I do not know what to think any longer. Another message to return to the Shiar, received a few days ago. I did not respond, thinking it pointless to do so. But I am still alive, so I have returned to Earth, to think.
Bajor has Ian. Ian... I wanted to both slap him and kiss him when we spoke there on the station, on Bajor; of course I did neither. I wish he would have simply let me be. Not tried to get in the way. Maybe things would have been easier.
I wonder if either he or Itasha realize what happened? I am not sure I do, completely, but I think I may. Emissary? Right. I do not think either of them understood the question about the Tears. One life, even that of a Prophet, is a small price to pay to keep the Tears safe. To get them back where they belong, their disappearance having caused so much sorrow and chaos.
So now the Bajorans have had what they hold most dear returned to them. And I have lost what I held most dear, in my attempts to bring that about.
I suppose I should consider it a fair trade. After all, I still live.
Upside-down, Again
From: Aidoann Stardate: 82619.65416 <Fri Mar 6 14:33:15 2009> Subject: Upside-down, Again
The last thing I wanted after ending things with Ian was to begin again. Yet, here we are, about to start anew. Mrs. Harrington is, of course, right; intellectually, I know this may simply end in heartbreak and sadness again. But emotionally... I cannot be alone.
I do not think she understood that I did not mean the aloneness that comes from contemplative solitude. Even I can appreciate that sort. This sort of aloneness is of standing on the brink and realizing that there is nobody to catch me if I fall. Worse, yet, knowing that few will care if I crash at the bottom. That is an aloneness which she cannot comprehend; I was at her wedding.
She also does not understand about the dress. I had already made peace with the fact that it was gone. I would like it back, but who, obviously, is going to care about a dress... besides Ian? But that she, of all people, would lie about it, that hurts more than the theft.
That woman was not there, in that dress, before mine was taken. Of that, I am fairly certain. That she would show up a short time later, in my dress, is no coincidence. Even Mrs. Harrington should be able to see that it was no coincidence. That she either refused to see, or refused to acknowledge, such a fact, that hurt worse than the theft.
Even if things do not turn out well between Ian and myself, I cannot see me going back there. Not for a long time, if such thievery is condoned.
Reflections
From: Aidoann Stardate: 82699.528517 <Sat Apr 4 19:43:58 2009> Subject: Reflections
Mnahe afw'ein qiuu; rhe' hweithnaef mrht Heis'he ehl'ein qiuu. Hate has a reason for everything. But love is unreasonable.
It is only a small portion of the entire text, but it is certainly is true. Even though I barely listened when Ian quoted it to me... how long ago was it, on Deep Space Nine? He had been reading. So true because while it is easy to say precisely why I dislike certain people; exactly how, and why, I am here on Jeraddo is more difficult.
On the one hand, there are many things I cannot stand about Ian. I realize that there is a part of him that I love dearly. So it is here I stay, and take care of the house, in spite of the few protests he has given.
I do wish he would /love/ me again, but he says we are just... friends. Friends. He does not understand me. Nor I him, I suppose. I hope he does not mistake my caution for dislike; I should like nothing more than to simply hold him close. But I know this is not something he wants, so I refrain.
Aside from matters with Ian, my time here has been uneventful. My peace interrupted only by a message from Gilar wishing more latinum from me and Nagus S'al with something about exploration. Nothing from anyone else for quite some time. It is... interesting.
Mutual Understanding
From: Aidoann Stardate: 82741.367567 <Mon Apr 20 02:29:38 2009> Subject: Mutual Understanding
It has been difficult, these past few months. But now, things seem more or less to be settling back to some approximation of "normal". A few days ago, he talked of sending me away. Having me at the house, 'unseemly'. But I think I managed to explain. At the very least, I am still here.
Went to Gilar's auction together, the usual collection of various merchandise from around the galaxy. I did not personally attend most of the auction. But I am pleased with what I was able to obtain. The necklace really is beautiful. Dalmont got the statue of T'Rehu. Of course he did. I should have expected as much.
Ian did not quite seem to understand why I was not pleased. And how could I explain completely? But at least he was sympathetic, and that's enough for now. All things considered, the flight home was a nice one.
Exhaustion
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82759.683915 <Sun Apr 26 19:03:18 2009>
Subject: Exhaustion
The garden has been destroyed. Every flower, every shrub. Ripped up or shredded. The only thing untouched, the tree. Days, weeks, of hard work all reduced to nothing. Who could have done such a thing?
Ah. Right. Me.
Who or what else was I supposed to take it out on? Ian? I wish. Elements, how I wish. But such has gone poorly, so I shall not make that mistake once more. How could he do this? Just... Again. Just when things were seeming fine? Something like normal.
Perhaps I should have listened to her. She said it would end poorly. That the same thing would happen as before. And it has. Ridiculous idealism. Why does he have to do this?
Because he is Ian.
And now he is gone. At least replanting the garden will give me something to do for... awhile. But, until then, sleep.
Destruction is tiring.
The second time around...
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82765.194093 <Tue Apr 28 19:21:26 2009>
Subject: The second time around...
It is more difficult the second time. To say goodbye, to walk away from a place I love. I worked in the garden for much of the day, until coming to the sudden realization that it was futile. Despite his words, I am not now, nor have I ever been, the thing Ian loves most. Perhaps not even second or third. So why work in the garden that was originally built for the both of us?
It hurts. Elements, how it hurts. How could he say his one regret was losing me, and then do... this? Lie or truth, it makes things a thousand times worse. I know I should not have believed him, but I wanted so to trust him again. Now how I wish I could simply slap him. But I have no doubt that would not work any better than the last time.
So I must go. Try to figure out what to do. Who I am. What I am. Where to go from here.
Why do the Elements torment me so cruelly?
Heroes and Villains
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82779.75591 <Mon May 4 03:00:22 2009>
Subject: Heroes and Villains
I had not meant to make myself known. It was my intent to stay within the shadows, to quietly watch. But, as I watched, I discovered I could not remain silent. How could I?
Perhaps it /was/ foolish. I will not argue that. I doubt very much that it got through to Ian. But I still had to try. Even though the man I fell in love with may never have existed at all, there is a near equal chance that he is still in there... somewhere.
His foolishness has unleashed a great evil into the universe - himself. There are few left who could know, could understand, what a great change was wrought upon him after the Pah'wraith took him over. He has not been the same since.
He claims to work for the Prophets. They all believe him, believe what he says, but I do not. I gave him a second chance. Perhaps even a third and forth, depending upon how you look at it. And he failed.
I still love him, or I love an aspect of him that is perhaps gone and dead. When we were wed, I promised to stay with him until death. And, so, I stood by him long past when others said I should leave him. I returned to him, against advice. But his promises? When did he ever keep his promises?
It would be easiest if I could simply kill him, rid the universe of his brand of evil. Perhaps it is weakness that I cannot. Yet, even if I were to do so, he would be the hero, the martyr. And I would be the villain. Of course it is so. They believe his lies.
But who believes a Romulan, even when they are telling the truth?
Checkmate in how many moves?
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82786.337083 <Wed May 6 12:41:48 2009>
Subject: Checkmate in how many moves?
Pieces on a chess board; some black, some white Move through the darkness, the inky black of night. The things I must do, to set things right.
Of the people I know, few would understand; What I consider, what I have planned.
...
Whatever. Enough. This running cargo is dull, however. Little to do besides plotting, planning, considering. I hate it, but I need the latinum for things.
It has been over a week, slightly less so since the memorial on Celestine Gate. Too much time, and yet not enough. Things would be so much easier if Ian were truthful. But I am not sure that he ever has been.
Perhaps some might think it is not my problem. After all, we are no longer wed. We are not... anything. But it is my problem. I know the truth, or at least part of it, and now it is my responsibility to deal with it.
No more killing. No more deaths.
Aehallh
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82801.589732 <Tue May 12 02:24:05 2009>
Subject: Aehallh
I stalked the corridors of the station. How long had it been since I was last in these corridors and wearing the Bajoran uniform? Awhile. But no boots; I could not wear boots right now.
My thoughts on boots and uniforms were interrupted by a figure stepping out of a shadow towards me. Glint of light on steel blade, ducking I quickly spun around to face the figure. Only dimly was I suddenly aware that this figure was... Hirogen? How did a Hirogen get on the base? No time for those questions. I readied myself for an attack, to defend myself.
The Hirogen brushed past me as if I were not even there. But Ian... where did Ian come from? Ian was behind me. The Hirogen went straight for him. There was not time for Ian to do anything except wear a shocked expression as the Hirogen slit his throat and removed his head in two quick strokes.
I leapt for the Hirogen, but he was gone. As I knelt beside the lifeless body, I suddenly realized that the corridor was full of bodies. Except for Ian, they were all Romulan; all nude. Not again! Not this again! I started to weep.
My own crying woke me and I sat up, sobbing. It had been awhile since I had last had any nightmares so vivid, but this was certainly one of the downsides to being alone; nobody there when you need them. Perhaps Ian was already dead and this dream was the Elements' way of telling me. How am I supposed to know? He cannot die. He simply must not. And, yet, what could I do? What had he gotten me into?
In spite of my fatigue, it was a long, long time before I could even close my eyes again. Longer still before I began to doze off. Not so long after that before the alarm to awaken me went off.
Arrival and Departure
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82804.995377 <Wed May 13 08:15:19 2009>
Subject: Arrival and Departure
I was hoping I would not have to deal with such things again. I was wrong. Came and sat down beside me as if nothing was wrong. As if we were friends, and always had been. Not even Ian does that.
I was, however, willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. For awhile. I tried to be polite, mostly. But when he brought up the Shiar? And then attempted to say that such a thing was a joke, that I should not be angry. A poor joke. Very poor. Another time and place, I would have simply punched him for such words. Instead, I just left. I wish I could have stayed, I like talking with Secretary Harrington. But I do not have the time or patience to listen to cruel 'jokes', insults.
It almost makes me wish that we were all on a Unity colony, like that man... Alex mentioned. Maybe then, I would not get such insults. But, then, I would not want everyone to know everything I was feeling, either. I like my thoughts and feelings to stay in my head.
Alex... when I mentioned his request for a kiss to the Secretary and Ambassador, the Ambassador's first suggestion was that it was an attempt at obtaining DNA. Am not even remotely attractive enough that it could have been a serious, if misguided, request? Not that I thought about actually kissing him. But if they wanted DNA from me, surely it would be much easier to get it while I am on a Unity installation, which happens frequently enough.
It has been a confusing past few days, that much is certain. The weekend with Ian; how could that have ended any more... oddly, I suppose is an applicable word? Gilar. The killing of Ehkifv Saeihr i-Eihriss t'Evahni. The disguised declaration of war from the Shiar for attempting to return their vessel through the proper channels. The always interesting visit with someone from Unity. Set'shokut Itasha returning.
Interesting, but it is time to move on. Stay out of sight for awhile. Lest my temper gets the better of me once again.
Endings
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82813.523307 <Sat May 16 11:00:40 2009>
Subject: Endings
So. I resigned. Or so the record shows. I suppose I should be grateful enough for that. Since I did not really resign, not willingly at least.
Implying that I am a traitor and then threatening me with a 'piece of shit' assignment for not thinking it was funny? How is that funny? I suppose telling the galaxy that I am insane and dangerous is humorous, too? I fail to find the punch line there.
I am military and I am supposed to follow orders, true. And, though I despise killing, I am quite willing to shoot someone face to face or from the console of a ship, if necessary. But nothing, nowhere, did it say I have to stand and be insulted by my superior officer. I could have complained, but who to? And why would they even listen to me?
So I quit.
Again.
Failed for... Prophets, how many times is this now? Everything I touch crumbles; everything I do fails.
Ian, Lucius, they say this is good for me. Both of them, nearly the same words. The military was stifling. I should do my own thing now.
Why?
It will just fail. Again.
Broke things off completely with Ian. Utterly. Fire and Air, that was hard. I still love him, but it is silly to pretend... I do hope he can find another woman, though, I do not want him to be unhappy.
So now I am back to being alone; nobody wants to see me and I want to see nobody. At least I have some latinum saved up that I can live off of for awhile. After that? I have no idea. I will decide when I get there.
Circle of Life
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82824.790767 <Wed May 20 13:46:54 2009>
Subject: Circle of Life
Four sentences in the official archives. That is all I am worth? And not even directed to me.
/Again/ with the attempts on my life. And the only one who sees fit to inform me is... Lovely. Just lovely.
So.
I "need" the BDF, do I, Set'shokut?
I do not think so.
But I will think about it later, when I am done with this. For now? I will be late for the next transport if I do not hurry.
Headaches
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82958.002418 <Wed Jul 8 05:30:54 2009>
Subject: Headaches
It has been some time since I set foot on the station, and yet little has changed. Here, at least. On the other hand, I now have a new rank and have been tasked with command of the entire base. A difficult challenge. Others have done it with seemingly little effort, but I... know I still must prove myself worthy of such a position.
Having had little to occupy my time for the past several weeks besides a bottle of whiskey, not counting occassional visits with a few, I find myself with a rather large headache. Yet, it cannot entirely be a hangover, considering my last drink was at least 36 hours ago. It must, instead, be a headache from having to deal with everything. Reports unfiled, forms unsigned, a hundred other minutae to take care of. Others have seemed to do it all so effortlessly.
And, besides the day to day things, I find I must arrange for decorations, favors and whatever else needs doing for upcoming holidays and festivals. I see that some of the shopkeepers have been complaining about a lag in visitors. Perhaps a few parties will draw some crowds to the station and help to placate the shop owners. I hope so; I would hate for headaches like this to be in vain.
Matters of Opinion
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82966.451318 <Sat Jul 11 07:34:41 2009>
Subject: Matters of Opinion
Ridiculous rumors. I suppose I should have expected as much. I guess I will not even be able to sneeze now, without someone speculating on whether or not I am dying. I would hate to see what people would be saying if it had been a Cardassian instead.
But I have not the time to dwell on such matters. So many things to do. People to talk with, interview, hire, shuffle around. That, however, is relatively easy compared to the task of being civil to /everyone/. That gets tiring fast, especially when it is someone like... Nemoris Tolmak. How I wished I could have had him removed from the station! But he has done nothing to any Bajoran, so far, so he must be allowed to stay.
And then there was that incident with the crew from BOAT. How far do the Articles of Neutrality go? Do they apply to individuals who might start hitting each other in Quark's, or just a vessel as a whole? I should think the former, lest things escalate into firefights in Bajoran space - not a completely unrealistic proposition. He seemed to think the latter. But it is nominally my station, not his. Whether or not his insanity is simply an act, I cannot say. He can act that way as long as he likes. However, if he is going to act hostile... well, that is simply not allowed.
I definitely do not like parties. The ones most people seem to favor tend to be rather loud and chaotic. Elements, please, do not let anything go wrong today; I would hate to have to do something like placing the Nagus in the brig for trying to kidnap Madam Pomphrey again. Or whatever it was he was trying to do with her.
Either way, I suppose that I must put in an appearance, even briefly, and pretend to enjoy myself. That kind of diplomacy definitely does not come easily.
More of the Same
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 82995.20943 <Tue Jul 21 19:40:18 2009>
Subject: More of the Same
And here I thought things would be different. I thought I had a chance to help, to make a change. I thought I was finally recognized as /somebody/. But things are the same. I am still a nobody, with different rank pins. I try to preserve order on the station, but to what end? It is clear now that I do not run the station, and apparently I never have.
I am so tired of being threatened with death, especially from people I thought I could trust. Hoped I could trust. Crew that are no more loyal to me than they would be to the Qang are useless.
I cannot bring order to a station such as this. It would seem that the First Minister prefers the days before I took command, when people did anything they wanted and nothing got done. Very well, I can run the station that way.
After all, if I am just a figurehead, how else am I supposed to run it?
Exhaustion
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 83031.516057 <Tue Aug 4 01:56:08 2009>
Subject: Exhaustion
How long has it been since I composed something other than orders and reports? Every time I start, something else comes up to interrupt. Elements, I do not even know where to begin, now.
I allowed Deep Space Nine to be damaged by explosives - it is always the Commanding Officer's fault, even when it is not. First rule of command. But this was such a basic mistake, a stupid mistake. I should have raised shields. Of course, with Orz having help on the inside, would that have even mattered? I ought to know, instead of wondering right now.
My crew are... a confusing bunch. I feel as if I spend half my time untangling things that they have done. I must take some time today, tomorrow, to make sure that Esid Piro has sufficiently apologized to Lucius. Of all the things she could do...
And Ian... what am I going to do with him? He was so very displeased when I lied to him, would not tell him what was going on. I hated to do it, but there are military secrets and there are /lies/. This was the former. And a good thing, too, or those Bajorans working for Orz could have done something prematurely; at least this way, we were on alert.
Anyway, wish I could tell what he wants. I look at him, and he is all business. I look again, and there is something of what we used to have. The way he destroyed that bear, was he... actually... /jealous/? Either way, I must not let all this interfere with station business. I cannot.
So now, in addition to all that, it seems I must take time out to save the First Minister. Despite whatever personal misgivings I might have, he /is/ the First Minister. I must go back? I do not want to go back. Never wanted to go back there.
The Prophets toy with me as the Elements rip me to shreds, carried off this way and that. It is exhausting, fighting the currents. But to give in means being sucked under and drowned.
If only I could get more than a few hours' sleep...
Of Promises and Prophets
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 83040.678826 <Fri Aug 7 10:15:23 2009>
Subject: Of Promises and Prophets
How could everything have gone so terribly wrong? All I ever wanted was to set things right. Was it really so hard for cha'paH Sogh to believe that /somebody/ might have tampered with the security system? It is not as if such things have not been done before. With how lax most security personnel seem to be lately, I would not be very surprised if the entire system were riddled with assorted bugs and spying devices. If only she had done her job, instead of taking it as a personal insult.
Instead, she had to go and try to kill Enriov tr'Lhoell. Under other circumstances, I would have been only too glad to hear of the Enriov's demise. At least, I still cannot stand the Shiar. But here, and now, while I stood and watched? Unacceptable. How could I not promise to turn her over to the Shiar, then?
And then the choice. The horrible choice. Who to save? The First Minister... or Enriov tr'Lhoell? How could I choose? As much as the First Minister annoyed me, I never wanted to /kill/ him. Yet how could I let the Enriov die and go to war against the Shiar? So the First Minister died.
I always intended to turn the Sogh over to the Shiar. But as I was doing so, the same one that had saved Enriov tr'Lhoell appeared... forced me to release the Sogh to the wo'. I still do not see how I 'betrayed' anyone by agreeing to give her over to the Shiar. Now she will go unpunished. Perhaps she will even get a medal for what she did.
Then Lucius... Lucius did nothing. But he can never come back. Ian says that we can 'work with someone else'. But he does not understand. He never could.
There was no justice done yesterday, only misery and pain.
The Prophets do, indeed, hate me.
Vulnerability
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 83207.95026 <Wed Oct 7 12:33:28 2009>
Subject: Vulnerability
Gardeners. As if the Hirogen in the Delta Quadrant were not enough, now we are being told we must prepare for an invasion of Gardeners. Tridic. However you wish to call them, I am not sure our chances against them are that good. This "super ship" that is being built is causing much strife. And, even then, I am not sure our chances are that good. We would need numbers, not just one vessel.
If it were only the Gardeners that we had to deal with, things would be fine. But, then there is Orz. He is apparently still active. Still out there. Just a few days ago, more pirate ships were sighted. I think they were all destroyed, but they are still a bother. Orz is extremely inefficient, if he has not yet taken over the GFA.
Are those enough? Certainly not, for the Dominion has become active once more. I do not know what they plan: if their patrols are just to keep people out of their space or if they plan on attacking at some point. If they plan on attacking... there is little we can do about it.
And speaking of attacks in the Gamma Quadrant, I am almost positive that it was Nagus S'al who posted the threat to Nightwatch. Of course, I have absolutely no proof.
So the Defense Force, arguably one of the smallest militaries in the galaxy, has somehow found itself menaced on at least four sides.
Attempting to deal with all this, and the related things that go along with it, is proving to be a challenge. If it were not for Tobias, I think I should have gone crazy by now.
Homesickness
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 83309.969298 <Fri Nov 13 17:51:24 2009>
Subject: Homesickness
It has been over a week now. Closer to two. I had hoped things would be different. But it is clearly simply more of the same. Is it really to be this way until I die? I certainly hope not.
I miss... I miss having someone to talk with. I can no longer talk to Ian the way we used to. I am sure that he is hiding things from me. And, of course, when I try to tell him things... I find I simply cannot.
I wish I could. I wish many things. I wish I could get away from this station for awhile. I wish I could go and disappear for awhile, the way I used to. Go where I want, do what I want.
I wish...
I wish...
I wish I could go home. Being on the bridge of that Galae ship, however briefly, for the first time in years, made me truly homesick for the first time in a long time.
Perhaps that was part of the point?
Even if it was, I still wish I could go home. Even if the Shiar is no longer my home.
Oblivion
From: Aidoann
Stardate: 83329.127472 <Fri Nov 20 17:47:50 2009>
Subject: Oblivion
To sink into darkness without dreams. To not spend hours remembering how things were. Darkness. Rest. And no headache in the morning.
I am not sure what I will do when this is gone. Doctor Contilani made me promise that if I needed more, he would get to run tests on me. I have never liked physicals. Or doctors much, for that matter. Besides, I do not need any tests. I know what is wrong, but it is not as if he can do anything about it, despite his assertions.
He cannot make the people I want come back. He cannot undo things that have happened. He cannot make things right, and no amount of medical tests will either.
Perhaps in a few days, I will simply... take a vacation. I ought to be able to do that much. Not having to deal with reports, pirates, Ferengi and who knows what else would be nice.
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