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82608.21 - Catharsis

From ATS Wiki

Name:	Catharsis
RL Date:	March 2, 2009
Players:	Aidoann t'Lheollah, unconscious Ian Sturmvogel
Location:	Bajoran Hospital
IC Date:	Stardate 82608.21

After having heard about Ian being in the hospital, Aidoann quietly made her way to Bajor where he was being treated. Once she's admitted to his room, she paces silently at the foot of the bed where he lays unconscious.

"Ian Sturmvogel, you are an infuriating man." Aidoann speaks finally, breaking the silence that's punctuated only by beeps and other assorted noises from the medical equipment. Knowing that he's in no condition to answer, she continues, "No doubt I am one of the last people you expected to have come see you?"

Sighing, she moves to the left side of his bed. Her left hand gently folds over Ian's left hand while she lightly caresses his cheek with her free hand. "I know you cannot hear me, or I would not be here." she speaks softly, "But there are things I must say and I know you would not listen if you were awake. So, here I am. Ridiculous, is it not?"

"You never have been very good at listening to me. Remember the first time you kissed me? kissing you was one of the last things I wanted to do, yet you still did it. Afterwards, I was eventually glad that you had. But I did not want to then and you did not listen to me." Aidoann shakes her head slightly as she speaks just loud enough for Ian to hear; if he were awake.

Once again, she sighs. "It has always been that way between us, has it not? Remember the Freedom's Prize and the Borg? That is why things cannot work between us. I still... care about you. Still... love you. But it is better this way. No worrying about where we stand with each other. No more... wondering."

She leans forward to press a gentle kiss to Ian's forehead before talking again, "You never did understand why I had the ring sent back to you, did you? You hurt me, when you did not even come to visit me on Kelvas. Have you ever been in a Cardassian cell? With only Cardassians to keep you company? And only Cardassian food to eat? You know I have a problem with most Terran foods; Cardassian food is ten times worse. Yet you just left me there. Alone."

Aidoann finally pulls her hands away and closes her eyes for a moment before speaking once more, "It hurts, to be alone. Growing up, I was never /alone/. Until I left the Shiar, I had never been /alone/. Still, I was not completely alone. I had friends, then I had you. Even when I was sent to Dakeen, I was not alone; I knew you would be waiting for me. I would have sent you messages then, but they would not permit it. Anyway, on Kelvas, I was alone."

"You would not come see me. Itasha and Ro were interested only in keeping me locked away. The Cardassians delighted in tormenting me. I was alone. Sad. Angry. When t'Evahni eventually came to see me, I was desperate. I said things. I told her that I was going to harm you. Kill you, perhaps. At the time, I meant it. When I was finally released from Kelvas a couple days later, I was still angry. That message I sent you? If you had answered immediately, there is a good chance I might have killed you then."

Beside Ian's bed, she starts to pace from the foot of the bed and back up to the head of the bed before repeating the process. "Fortunately for you, you did not. And I got a ride off the station from Starfleet. They wanted to help. I was no longer alone. I calmed down. I no longer wanted to harm you like that, but I was still hurt. This was the second time you had done this to me."

"If I /had/ gone to talk to you, how was I to know you wouldn't try to lock me away /again/, anyway?" she stops pacing and turns to face Ian once more, "Itasha certainly wanted to. Perhaps you did not hear him on subspace, warning about how dangerous I was. And, besides, I still might have carried out the threat I'd told t'Evahni. What was left? I sent back the ring."

Anguish fills her voice as she shakes her head and continues speaking, "Do you know how much that hurt, Ian? Apparently, you do not. I do not think it could have hurt any more if I had cut off my whole arm to send you. But I had to tell you somehow that I did not find what you did acceptable."

She falls silent for five, ten, fifteen minutes now before finally speaking once more. "I did not cry when I was banished from the Shiar. I do not usually cry very often; you know that. But since I had Zakar Jin give you my ring, I have found it more and more difficult to not cry." she pauses to let out a soft sigh, "When the ring was sent back, I had hoped... Secretary Harrington and his wife thought... Zakar Jin thought... that meant you wanted to work things out."

Having remained more or less calm so far, a stray tear rolls down Aidoann's cheek now when she blinks once. "When I kissed you on Galadriel, you were supposed to remember the first time we kissed. You willing, me not. On Galadriel, the situation reversed. It was supposed to be a partial apology without having to be completely sorry. Acceptance. That look on your face, though, when you wiped your mouth, that cut worse than anything."

"Still, I thought we should try to talk. I do not really remember much of what we said, to be honest, but I am not sure you were really listening then, either." Approaching the bed once more, she places her left hand atop Ian's again. "I do not know what more I could have done to make things easier. I am Fire, Ian. You knew that when you marreid me. Fire warms, drives starships through the void, but it also burns. Consumes. Perhaps it is something one cannot completely understand unless they were born into it. Most seem to find such concepts difficult."

"So you left me alone, to burn out. Do you know what it is like to be alone? To have nobody to keep you company? True, there are the Harringtons. But Ashleigh is in Starfleet and the Secretary is usually with her; I cannot blame him. And they are not family, I cannot make many demands on their time."

She swallows and looks down at her feet, shaking her head, "You are the closest thing to family that I had left. And you left me! I cannot stand being alone, but you left me. Was I supposed to pretend it was all right? I could not do that." Yet again, she sighs, "And, then, in the caves... You would not let me be. Love... Earlier you had mentioned love... If you really and truly still loved me, you would have let me do what I wanted. You could have ruined everything by getting in the way."

Stepping back from the bed, she demands quietly, "You said I still have things to do, work to be done. What? What am I supposed to do now? I have nothing! No home. No family. Few friends. No career. What am I supposed to /do/? You, and everyone else, have left me with nothing."

There is, of course, no answer from the comatose man on the bed, so starts pacing the room silently. Back and forth, up and down. She continues at this for several minutes, nearly half an hour, before something finally catches her eye. Approaching the table there, she picks up the PADD laying atop it and flips idly through a few of the functions.

"Romulans. You should not trust them. McNicholas probably should not be trusted either. Of course, I might say the same about you... But who is this?" she holds up the PADD towards Ian. Of course, he's still unconscious and doesn't respond. "Nice dress. Is this the woman you are with now? Do not worry, I will not make a scene if she comes to visit you. She need not know that I kissed you earlier. I will simply be here to visit Minister Sturmvogel."

With yet another sigh, she deactivates the PADD and places it back where she found it. Aidoann paces for a few more moments before finding a chair to settle down in and wait. For what and for how long, she's not sure. But she doesn't intend to leave so soon.